Saturday, June 22, 2002 at 18:32:22 (PDT)
It has been a long time since I have made an entry in this journal. On Monday, June 10th I had my monthly visit to the oncologist. My blood tests showed that my white blood cell count is a little lower than last month. That is good news, because the doctor is waiting for a large increase before restarting chemo therapy. My red blood cell and platlet count is lower. That is not good news because this means that I am more anemic than last month and is causing me to be extremely fatigued.
I have done a few short flat bike rides. However, it is becoming more and more difficult to complete them and also I am very fatigued afterwards. I am trying to stay motivated to do what exercise that I am able to do and to not compare it to last season or even several years ago.
I will be going to Truckee for about 10 days. It is always good for me to get in the good old mountain air. I love the pine trees, mountains, boulders and streams. I always seem to be in a better mental place when I am there.
The summer 2002 cycle season is in full swing. I hope to make an impact on the participants as an honoree. I know it will be different than the seasons in the past in which I was able to do all the team rides.
I have been reading several books on buddist teachings. My psychologist suggested it since I have been have a difficult time with the changes in my energy level. I have always believed that it was so important to continue to have hope for the future. But, I have been having a difficult time of having fear and anxiety about what will happen when.... I would like to share a few words that have made a big impact on me and have made me spend time thinking about them: "Relaxing with the present moment, relaxing with hopelessness, relaxing with death, not resisting the fact that things end, that things pass, that things have no lasting substance, that everything is changing all the time-- that is the bassic message. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment."